she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
