I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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