If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
