Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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