1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
