My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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