I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
