is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
