pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
