I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
