it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
