Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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