True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
