Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
