Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
