How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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