I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
