I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
