god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
