I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
