It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Couch. On fire.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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