Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
