Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
