Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
