she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I am spending my child support on dildos
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
