my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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