Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
