I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
