TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
