i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
