I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
