wakey wakey hands off snakey
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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