I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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