Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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