Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
