You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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