You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
