You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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