I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
