how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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