Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
