dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
