you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
