i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we're making bets on your personal life
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
