Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
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