drinking out of a sandbucket again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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