i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
