They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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