how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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