the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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