He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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